Eruption;;

We seen it coming. I just thought it would end better than that. In all honesty, it was claimed. Promises after promises. Eventually this is where it brought us.

If you have no intention to keep up, don’t hold the mindset of starting one.

I have been disappointed once again, should I thank you for all those preparations work you’ve done for me?

Ultimately, I’m still thankful to have knew you. For listening so far, for not judging and I’m glad we did manage to spend some happiness though that didn’t last.

It’s merely time to pick up those pieces left, once again. Slowly but surely I’ll pick myself up. I’ll move on strong. There is a lesson to be learnt for everyone you come and left your life.

The lesson you taught me are 3 important lessons. There really do exist people who will not judge your past wrong doings; all promises no matter how serious you meant it when you made it, will slowly fade away; and the most important lesson -self love. To pursue what makes me happy as long as it doesn’t infringe on my personal moral.

Thank you for ever coming into my life and sticking out for a while even when I’m just another lost case.

 

Geisha;

Try as you may, your attempt to conceal the truth has proved futile. 

The clouds cleared. All the naive side of me gone in an instance . I’d never stop doubting again. I’ve learnt not to trust again.

All these while I’m just living in your deceits. How gullible I am, easily manipulated. How much of a joke have I made myself out to be? 

You pulled me out from hell, only to throw me back into a deeper one.

More stuff runs through my mind these days.

I am not blind, nor oblivious to everything that is happening. I chose not to use confrontation in too many matters. Eventually,  slowly but surely these emotions are killing me inside.

How can I trust that you’re always there when you’re even hard to reach. How can I be sure I’m the only one when someone else seems to be getting better treatment? Why am I always begging for your presence, your time, your commitment while feeling like a fool for not being reciprocated?

But the truth is coming.  The time has arrived for my eye to see clearer. To see who I am, where I am and what I am to you.

I do not want to be disappointed.

 

 

 

 

Worst National Day Ever;;

Lately during this seperation period, I thought more and more about us and tried to do things that make us closer, better like it was in the past.

I bought your birthday present, spent days sourcing it, thought of ideas to surprise you, make you happy.

Today I heard Dad talking about the MBS swimming too, and remember how much it would made you happy to go back there. I thought how pretty how nice and how romantic you would think it would be for us up there to view fireworks together, and knowing it would be on-going for at least 30 minutes, it made everything much better.

But… when I called you, all these dreams perished. You told me you already asked someone else out for dinner. And of everyone .. it had to be…

I am seriously torn apart, and whatever hope I had left of us instantly turn into dust. I… have no more faith left, no more hope left and no more dreams left for us.

This, is a blow too huge for me. Maybe, just maybe it was another coincidence and I shouldn’t blame you nor over react.

I’m sorry, sorry that everything happened too late for us. Maybe we should really stop trying already..

& the most ironic part was.. you can actually think of the win-win situation as bring a 3rd party along to my date with you. What should I say? Speechless, I really am.

silence::

Endure, shut up and live my life quietly.

Say nothing, do nothing and be nothing.

When the fight is too tiring, it’s easier to give up all fights.

Trash;;

So this loser me, is now the hopeless one.

No matter what I do, I’m always the one at fault. When I tried to do something to surprise you, I’m not appreciated.

But its my fault that I didnt tell you I was going to surprise you, its my fault that our communication broke now. Its my fault that I gave you hints you would never catch. Its my fault I kept interrupting you and you would prefer give up talking to me. Its my fault that I made you feel like you’re accountable to me. Its my fault you didn’t enjoy your day. Its my fault I made you update me. Its my fault for interfering with your life. Its my fault that you need to get away from me, & have your ownself “me and me alone time”. Its my fault its nice talking to others instead of me. Its my fault that you are saving your money for my enjoyment. Its my fault I have no common sense. Its my fault I’m lacking in all ways you wanted me to be. Its my fault that I have to stay in your house. It’s my fault your life as it seems, is miserable because of me. Its my fault for being here, and simply for existing.

People die trying, I have just died, and wont bet it on ever again.

Remember? You’re the one who said I’m not a friend, just a spouse and unlike other couple, we stay together and we should just spend time away from each other.

Sorry for stepping on your toe, being in your sight and breathing the same air as you.

I’ll back off and scram off from now onwards. We’ll never be better again, never would we love again, or be happy with each other again.

Good bye.

Chill;

It’s no longer crucial for my happiness to exist anymore.

You said it was jealousy I was feeling and resenting and hating on you.

Look at yourself, lately it always revolve around your friend’s spouse this that. How about me? When I AM your spouse? Chill? It’s almost no days that we get to spend alone anymore, without your consideration for the feelings and emotional state of another person.

What does that render me as? How am I supposed to feel? People are having insomnia and you offer your sympathy and comfort. How about me? When I just wanted to snuggle up with you, you are busy caring for someone else..

Sorry that I made you felt like I’m over protective, possessive, limiting your growth in life and childish as you always said I am.

There you said it again, at times you just wanted me to be the rageless me…

It shall be fulfilled again.
& I foresee, this rocky boat will never sail smoothly ever again, nor will this storm ever pass. We are simply rowing this boat with our bare hands, not moving and just sinking further.

Its the end..

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Emm;;

I guess I’m the one expecting more than just a mere sound from you, at least a word of thanks, for being willing to help out with your mum’s shop. No, I am not trying to claim credit for it and I know I did owe her favors too.

 

But you knew I disliked such jobs and I took the utmost courage to said yes to her. But you simply brushed my words aside.

 

Food for thought;;

Less resentment, more tolerance
Resentment brings hatred, tolerance brings peace

Less sarcasm, more respect
Sarcasm brings disparagement, respect brings understanding

Less rejection, more compassion
Rejection brings opposition, compassion brings companion

Less supremacy, more discussion
Supremacy brings acceptance, discussion brings leadership

Less criticism, more encouragement
Criticism bring oppression, encouragement brings determination