Doesn’t feels right.
Yes, i was very unhappy.
Because i felt left out,
As if i wasn’t important.
I am disappointed.
Disappointed because i was among
the last to know.
Yes, i was expecting something.
Not being hopeful to be the first to know,
But definitely not among the last.
It may be a big fuss i’m kicking up again.
But i’m feeling like we’re drifting away.
Physically, mentally, emotionally.
It may be good to argue.
But lately, its been way too much.
We’re losing grip.
I no longer have any faith in myself.
I knew i can’t expect too much,
But somehow, lately im feeling so lonely.
Even at your house, you’re not mine.
You’re still everybody’s one.
And im upset.
I no longer feel secure.
Even when you’re next to me physically,
knowing that you’re not mentally,
Only hurts more than anything else.
I may be really selfish.
I just thought that when you’re with me,
You really am, most of the time.
But lately, no. There’s been a thick wall between us.
Too much disagreement, discontent and distrust.
And now, i am distressed.
I have no idea how to handle it.
Yes, we spoke of this issue last night.
It should have been a past thing.
But tonight, i do not want to deceit again.
All i am asking for, is your true attention, true understanding and probably just pure campanionship when we’re alone, if the rest is too much to ask for.
Logically, there’s nothing wrong being the last on the list,
Because ultimately, someone has to be the last.
But emotionally, being your spouse,
I just thought that for the very least, i wont be in that category.
I am still attempting to digest my emotions.
And yes, i am not pleased.
Certainly, by saying this out,
I hope it wont cause more pain, though i highly doubt so.
Lets hope tomorrow will be a happier day.
Toddle.
The cold wind blows,
As it pierces through the skin.
Dawn is approaching,
And the dew settles.
The sky thunders with dark clouds,
Impossible to penetrate.
The flower disperse,
Only to be flew somewhere else.
The howl of the wolf,
Strong and mightier than before.
As a child awaits in the night,
For a hope that never came.
Great, Indra is right.
You are hopeless and I shall not be bothered anymore.
You’re not worth it. And I should not waste my time anymore.
Don’t want to acknowledge anymore?
Like how you did to Dad?
Good, because it’s your lost.
Not ours.
And frankly speaking,
somehow life is 100 times easier when you’re not around.
Home has never been peaceful when you are around.
I don’t have to bear up with you and your fucked up mindset and attitude anymore.
What a relieve for me, I should say.
One day, when you realize you are alone in this world and
no one is there for you,
remember this : No one abandoned you.
You forced us to give up after so many fucking chances.
So, FUCK YOU.
& you thought you’re all great and al-mighty?
Go ahead, do what you like and one day when you fall,
you’ll know the pain.
Now on, I’ll stay clear of your matters and you,
don’t fucking come to me when you need help anymore.
Because, FUCK YOU AND FUCK YOU.
That’s it!!
Probably, life too.
The stress I’m feeling lately, has been tremendous and I’m on the edge now.
Nothing seems to go well, anywhere I go. Perhaps it’s just me, or maybe it’s just a joke afterall. Sometimes I wonder, who am I, why do I live and if I do, what is my purpose in life.
There’s so much I’m bottling up. And it feels like, anymore and I’ll burst. No one seems to comprehend my feelings, nor do I have the capability to do so, for others as well. It seems lonely, anywhere I go.
There’s fear, hatred, disappointment and sadness in me, and it’s following me everywhere. Again, I can’t stop thinking, pondering, wondering and … fearing. It might be something that I won’t be able to conquer at all.
I’ve always been keeping all these fear behind my brain,
doing something else to keep me occupied. But at the end of the day, the harsh reality just floods back to me,
constantly reminding me of all the pain. I don’t know why I’m feeling this way.
I’m over protective, over attached to anything in the world, maybe. I feel like my chain of thoughts is getting illogical.
I shall stop here. Till then.
Maybe like what many people say, truth hurts.
And as a matter of fact, it does, maybe not to you, but to some other.
I never thought lying would be a better option.
And I knew, I never wanna lie to you.
Perhaps promise is something that I can’t keep.
But lies are not what I want, to be snowballing.
Perhaps you gave up, perhaps you no longer care,
or maybe, just maybe you still harbor a little hope inside.
And it all boils down to me.
The fact that you can’t seems to make me change.
Because, I don’t make ample effort to, isn’t it?
No, I can’t make more excuses.
But no for the fact that, I don’t wanna deceive you,
because I don’t wanna hurt you more next time.
At the rock bottom, and nothing would bring me out.
You would never amend that hole you’ve driven through my heart.
Its not that I would’nt help you.
I gave up and that’s about it.
So give me back the good memories and fuck off from my life.
I’m numbed by all these. It’s no longer a surprise.
I just can’t feel anymore.
It’s ironic that we are ‘communicating’ regarding that issue
and yet the fact that we don’t speak face to face.
Indeed, I do realize that it’s hurting you badly.
And after a long talk with Bee last night,
I further realized how much deeds I’ve done for my friends,
be it good or bad.
I’ve been blinded by my own selfishness, own pride, own excuses
to see how I’ve been led the wrong way all the while.
I always just thought that being there for people
when they needed me the most, is all that matters.
Frankly speaking, I don’t know how much I meant to you right now.
At least, not anymore.
Perhaps it’s the fall of all my previous close friendship,
that led me into believing that nothing will never work out.
Or probably, this is another excuse that I’m making for myself.
No, I don’t hang around you much anymore.
Seriously, I’m feeling hurt too.
It just felt like since the new semester started,
everyone went away, including you.
Even before I started on it again, I felt like we weren’t
close anymore either. I don’t want to be a victim,
of a left-behind friendship anymore.
Sometimes, when I see you,
I remember all these pain,
of watching you walk away.
High chance, it’s my fault.
And I’ll admit, I hasn’t been
making a great deal of effort to fix things up.
Instead, I further denied that we’re close anymore.
Is that really the case?
Would you believe that it’s hurting me to see you in such a situation?
Perhaps, I am not worthy to be your friend.
I have a nasty attitude, temper, and you’re right on something.
Besides being awfully rude, what else does I strive in? Nothing.
I have an issue, I can’t seem to make people stay.
And it’s always because of my actions.
I refuse to go to people, fearful of rejection from them.
I don’t make a great effort, because I always thought that
I shouldn’t be the one.
But tonight, you made me see the whole issue.
I was wrong the entire time, and it’s just me and my fucked up mindset.
Truth spoken, I no longer deserve your friendship.
But you still made an effort to stay, and I can see it.
I’m not blind at all. I see all that you’re doing for me,
while I’m the one disappointing you each and every time.
This time round, I wanna patch our friendship.
This time round, I will be the one to make the effort.
This time round, nothing will change if I don’t change myself.
Bottom line is, I really cherish you as my friend,
and I still wanna continue cherishing you forever.
It probably doesn’t feel the same for you anymore.
But I would not do it with words again.
Actions, this time it shall be.
Again, nothing would happen and words are cheap.
I will prove myself, my worth and..
I ain’t gonna let this friendship slip away again.
Fact is, I still love you so, much more than you think I do.
You do not take me for a fool, turn and twist me
around as you like, come and go like you wish.
I shall not and would not attempt to take
those bullshit that you’re giving.
Don’t you even have any sense of shame and guilt
after making use of people?
Are you even aware that this goes out right for you?
If you knew, you probably would have known my stand
towards our friendship has taken a change.
I am seriously sick of all these dramas that is happening everywhere.
From my workplace, to school, to home, to my volunteering place.
Now, is there something called true friendship instead of friends who are only
for the sole purpose of achieving benefits out of them?
This morning, Micheal texted me and asked me this.
“Why do most Singaporean choose to avoid reality,
run away from fact and dare not face up to them?”
Yes, some of you are not. But after pondering, I agreed with what he stated.
Part of me, even started feeling ashamed to be a Singaporean.
Somehow, I’m feeling and given the chance to see through the
mask of most people lately. Certainly, I am disappointed.
But I’m still glad to have my precious Bee here with me,
sticking with me through the thick and thin.
Trying to maintain a positive emotion certainly takes more energy then expected.
Somehow, the tears won’t stop right now.
I’m tired of everything that is going on.
Tired of living, tired of breathing, tired of smiling when I’m bleeding.
If you are not even aware of your status, your limits,
your own flaw, don’t fucking comment on mine, you got it?
No, apparently, you don’t.
So hypocrite, get off my world right now and don’t ever let me see you again.
It’s been a month and I’ve the urge to blog again.
I’ve been busy with work, school, family, relationship and more.
Not gonna blubber much about routine. More of, I’m beginning to think in a different light.
So as I see it, at least. Things that I thought no longer matter to me, turned out opposite.
Bottom line is, I still care for people, things that I thought I’d given up on.
They’re not even special anymore, they are nothing more than strangers now.
But yet, deep down, I know that I won’t ponder about a stranger’s well-being nor
would I be bothered to avoid them when I have to face them.
Perhaps it’s time that caused me to grow from who I was.
Perhaps it’s humanity and conscious from my heart that I acknowledged my mistakes.
Perhaps it’s just depressing to see the world go by and you’re not doing much at all.
Managed to met up with my Kuantan friend who came from Malaysia to search for a
better job prospect in Singapore. Seems like he’s getting on well enough.
I kind of admired his courage to leave his dear ones behind,
head for a foreign land and begin a whole new chapter here.
At least, he has his old friends here in Singapore, who are taking good care of him.
Sometimes, maybe I thought I could be a little less sensitive to everything around me.
I care about how people judge me, how people see me as.
To defend myself, I acted like I don’t give a shit to anything that’s happening around.
But that’s not the case, and I knew it.
I put on a mask, pretended to be happy-go-lucky,
but there’s many things that I’ll be worried for, throughout the entire day or even before I sleep.
It’s not an easy way of life that I’m leading, yet I am contented being alive, having my loved ones around me.
Maybe to some, I no longer exist in their world, maybe to some, I am still someone special to them, but never spoken of.
Sure enough, I wouldn’t know till people tell me how much I mean to them.
Meanwhile, I’m hoping to achieve something better in life this year, and perhaps to grow to a whole new level.
Toddle.
