Cycle;;

It’s a vicious cycle when one is down
on his luck.

This further made me so sure that
i must have woken up from the
wrong side of my bed today.

Nothing seemed to go well today.
First, a project part 3 Q&A which
literally murdered my grade A
for the entire project.

Next, getting called up to present
your answers in the lecture when
you’re not even prepared nor sure
of your answers only made it worse.

Finally, an hour of hardwork,
program codes editing went down
the drain due to careless saving into
wrong directory, with original copies
later on removed due to the
misconception.

Feeling too lazy for anything.
Sigh, what a joke today.

I can foresee more schedules to meet..

Buffalo;;

Sometimes, life seems so difficult.

It may be a game to some, it may be a blessing to some, or even nightmare to others.

But it feels to tiring, and you feel like giving up, even though it’s not an option.

 

I feel so busy, taking care of other people schedule, needs, etc.
And part of me, knew that I live more for others, than I ever did, for myself.

It’s not something that I can stop immediate, though I kept persuading myself to.

Why do I keep getting bothered bout what others are doing, their location, their life,
when I don’t even get people doing it for me. At least, not that I have felt.

Why am I the one who kept thinking of ways to hang on the thin string, while
others just put their weight on it?

Been really busy with school & work. I’m still skeptical about what I am doing to do in my life next, after graduation.
Not an easy choice, and let’s hope it won’t be something I’ll regret. 

Protected: Gaze;;

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Ugly;;

Doesn’t feels right.

Yes, i was very unhappy.
Because i felt left out,
As if i wasn’t important.

I am disappointed.
Disappointed because i was among
the last to know.
Yes, i was expecting something.

Not being hopeful to be the first to know,
But definitely not among the last.

It may be a big fuss i’m kicking up again.
But i’m feeling like we’re drifting away.
Physically, mentally, emotionally.

It may be good to argue.
But lately, its been way too much.
We’re losing grip.

I no longer have any faith in myself.
I knew i can’t expect too much,
But somehow, lately im feeling so lonely.
Even at your house, you’re not mine.
You’re still everybody’s one.
And im upset.

I no longer feel secure.
Even when you’re next to me physically,
knowing that you’re not mentally,
Only hurts more than anything else.

I may be really selfish.
I just thought that when you’re with me,
You really am, most of the time.

But lately, no. There’s been a thick wall between us.

Too much disagreement, discontent and distrust.
And now, i am distressed.

I have no idea how to handle it.
Yes, we spoke of this issue last night.
It should have been a past thing.
But tonight, i do not want to deceit again.

All i am asking for, is your true attention, true understanding and probably just pure campanionship when we’re alone, if the rest is too much to ask for.

Logically, there’s nothing wrong being the last on the list,
Because ultimately, someone has to be the last.
But emotionally, being your spouse,
I just thought that for the very least, i wont be in that category.

I am still attempting to digest my emotions.
And yes, i am not pleased.

Certainly, by saying this out,
I hope it wont cause more pain, though i highly doubt so.

Lets hope tomorrow will be a happier day.

Toddle.

Awakening;;

The cold wind blows,
As it pierces through the skin.
Dawn is approaching,
And the dew settles.
The sky thunders with dark clouds,
Impossible to penetrate.
The flower disperse,
Only to be flew somewhere else.
The howl of the wolf,
Strong and mightier than before.
As a child awaits in the night,
For a hope that never came.

Wild;;

Great, Indra is right.

You are hopeless and I shall not be bothered anymore.

You’re not worth it. And I should not waste my time anymore.

Don’t want to acknowledge anymore?

Like how you did to Dad?

Good, because it’s your lost.

Not ours.

And frankly speaking,
somehow life is 100 times easier when you’re not around.

Home has never been peaceful when you are around.
I don’t have to bear up with you and your fucked up mindset and attitude anymore.

What a relieve for me, I should say.

One day, when you realize you are alone in this world and
no one is there for you,

remember this : No one abandoned you.

You forced us to give up after so many fucking chances.

So, FUCK YOU.

& you thought you’re all great and al-mighty?

Go ahead, do what you like and one day when you fall,
you’ll know the pain.

Now on, I’ll stay clear of your matters and you,
don’t fucking come to me when you need help anymore.

Because, FUCK YOU AND FUCK YOU.

That’s it!! 

 

Windsurf;;

There are times, where I wanted so much to runaway, from everything.
Probably, life too.

The stress I’m feeling lately, has been tremendous and I’m on the edge now. 
Nothing seems to go well, anywhere I go.

Perhaps it’s just me, or maybe it’s just a joke afterall.

Sometimes I wonder, who am I, why do I live and if I do, what is my purpose in life.
There’s so much I’m bottling up. And it feels like, anymore and I’ll burst.

 

No one seems to comprehend my feelings, nor do I have the capability to do so, for others as well.

 

It seems lonely, anywhere I go.
There’s fear, hatred, disappointment and sadness in me, and it’s following me everywhere.

Again, I can’t stop thinking, pondering, wondering and … fearing.

 

It might be something that I won’t be able to conquer at all.
I’ve always been keeping all these fear behind my brain,
doing something else to keep me occupied.

But at the end of the day, the harsh reality just floods back to me,
constantly reminding me of all the pain.

I don’t know why I’m feeling this way.
I’m over protective, over attached to anything in the world, maybe.

I feel like my chain of thoughts is getting illogical.
I shall stop here.

 

Till then.  

Daze;;

Maybe like what many people say, truth hurts.
And as a matter of fact, it does, maybe not to you, but to some other.

I never thought lying would be a better option.
And I knew, I never wanna lie to you.
Perhaps promise is something that I can’t keep.

But lies are not what I want, to be snowballing.

Perhaps you gave up, perhaps you no longer care,
or maybe, just maybe you still harbor a little  hope inside.

And it all boils down to me.
The fact that you can’t seems to make me change.
Because, I don’t make ample effort to, isn’t it?

No, I can’t make more excuses.

But no for the fact that, I don’t wanna deceive you,
because I don’t wanna hurt you more next time.

 

Pitfall;;

At the rock bottom, and nothing would bring me out.

You would never amend that hole you’ve driven through my heart.

Its not that I would’nt help you.
I gave up and that’s about it.
So give me back the good memories and fuck off from my life.

I’m numbed by all these. It’s no longer a surprise.
I just can’t feel anymore.

Shadows;;

It’s ironic that we are ‘communicating’ regarding that issue
and yet the fact that we don’t speak face to face.

Indeed, I do realize that it’s hurting you badly. 

And after a long talk with Bee last night,
I further realized how much deeds I’ve done for my friends, 
be it good or bad.

I’ve been blinded by my own selfishness, own pride, own excuses
to see how I’ve been led the wrong way all the while.

I always just thought that being there for people
when they needed me the most, is all that matters. 

Frankly speaking, I don’t know how much I meant to you right now.
At least, not anymore.

Perhaps it’s the fall of all my previous close friendship,
that led me into believing that nothing will never work out.
Or probably, this is another excuse that I’m making for myself.

No, I don’t hang around you much anymore.
Seriously, I’m feeling hurt too.
It just felt like since the new semester started,
everyone went away, including you.

Even before I started on it again, I felt like we weren’t
close anymore either. I don’t want to be a victim,
of a left-behind friendship anymore.

Sometimes, when I see you,
I remember all these pain,
of watching you walk away.

High chance, it’s my fault.
And I’ll admit, I hasn’t been
making a great deal of effort to fix things up.

Instead, I further denied that we’re close anymore.

Is that really the case?

Would you believe that it’s hurting me to see you in such a situation?

Perhaps, I am not worthy to be your friend.
I have a nasty attitude, temper, and you’re right on something.
Besides being awfully rude, what else does I strive in? Nothing.

I have an issue, I can’t seem to make people stay.
And it’s always because of my actions.
I refuse to go to people, fearful of rejection from them.
I don’t make a great effort, because I always thought that
I shouldn’t be the one.

But tonight, you made me see the whole issue.

I was wrong the entire time, and it’s just me and my fucked up mindset.

Truth spoken, I no longer deserve your friendship.
But you still made an effort to stay, and I can see it.
I’m not blind at all. I see all that you’re doing for me,
while I’m the one disappointing you each and every time.

This time round, I wanna patch our friendship.
This time round, I will be the one to make the effort.
This time round, nothing will change if I don’t change myself.

Bottom line is, I really cherish you as my friend,
and I still wanna continue cherishing you forever.
It probably doesn’t feel the same for you anymore.

But I would not do it with words again.
Actions, this time it shall be.

Again, nothing would happen and words are cheap.

I will prove myself, my worth and..
I ain’t gonna let this friendship slip away again.

Fact is, I still love you so, much more than you think I do.